Means of Men
My father once told me, “If you feel the need to shout that you are a man at every turn then chances are you in fact are not”. I carried this with me as I grew up and maneuvered through life, but as I get comfortable in my 30’s I feel I am finally in a place where I can say that I am a man and conduct myself as much. I find myself confronting my mental health and examining it in relation to the black men I grew up with. When others think of Black men two images usually come to mind, one of hyper masculinity and aggression, or soft and unassuming. I feel that Black men are placed in either ends of that spectrum without much thought to the middle. I do not see that when I think of myself and the others I am related to. I find us somewhere in between those two points. Not quite hard and not quite soft, but somewhere in the middle. Sliding back and forth between the two states of being but never getting fully there, separated by various integers of manhood. In this project, through recurring interviews, I am covering topics like the need to belong to a group or organization, the difficulties of raising a blended family, the hurt of seeing the children they've raised on the same cell block as them, the challenge of unconventional sexuality and breaking generational struggles, and how they view themselves in relation to their hopes and dreams. It is my goal to create a safe space for the men in my family to be honest and open in order to better understand the space I need for myself. Means of Men is about the men in my family and all that comes with them. It is an exploration of the beauty, difficulty, and honor of being them. I aim to celebrate them for being human and how extraordinary they can be. I find myself at a crossroads trying to figure out the man I am versus the man I want to be. As I stare down the barrel of Manhood I can’t help but to look back at the men who came before me. How did they learn to be who they are? Did they anticipate this moment? Did they rise to it? Am I weak if I turn away? I feel like I left something important behind. I didn’t quite get a handle on how to live with the choices that I am not proud of. I could have tried a little harder to get a little further. Treat the ones who love me a little more tenderly. I could have helped that woman on the train who was uncomfortable. My handshake could have been more firm. Conflicts could have been finished. In the same breath though, I made sure I considered others. That I stuck to my word 70% of the time. What does it mean to be a man anyway? How much of that meaning is not my own. Given to me by mechanisms that I can only begin to fathom? I do not have time to stall though. I have to be someone. Something…Looking down the barrel of manhood I turn away. Only slightly. I left something behind. Let someone behind. I turned to the men behind me. Men who know what a lack of a father looks like. Men who know what low self esteem feels like but can't name it. Men who rose above the struggles of single parents and low income. Their manhood or lack thereof is mine. All I want is to be what they couldn't be and improve on what they are. The men before me all had aspirations to be more. Some could not get out of their own way to accomplish this. Others were set up from the beginning. Some still have the potential to while others are making strides.
Means of Men. A series of 4x5 Black and White film portraits and collaged images of family photos and heirlooms based on interviews of the men in my family to better understand how black men feel about manhood and how they do or do not align with the concept of it. Each collage is based on the information I gain from the interviews that I have conducted. Family photos are often looked at in retrospect. The collages are based on these men's personal internal narratives to simulate the beauty and complications of each. Black and White portraits to strip down the men as they are with little distraction. The collages symbolize the colorful past and emotions that are attached to them. When viewed side by side they give a connotation of honesty, love, belonging, acceptance, loss,dignity, and honor.
Means of Men is my perspective of the Black men around me. It is me trying to understand what it means to have and be a male role model and how that shapes each generation. This project not only examines the relationship between the man and their manhood but also the relationship that they have with each other and how that shapes them. It is understanding the pitfalls of thinking from generations before while navigating new ways of being. Means of Men is a retrospective glance at what it means to be a black man while giving it forethought for the years to come.
